Don't Hurt Me

I've spent so many years watching couples.
Observing as they passed me by holding hands or wrapping their arms around each other. 
Bumping noses and playfully knocking elbows into the other's arm.
Places like the amusement park, or the bowling alley, or the park.
I stare shamefully and bitterly with jealousy.
Why can't I have that?
I've been though things in my life that would prevent me from feeling this way...
But now, it's all changed.
My perspective is way different.
I realize that I've been scared of it, a little because I craved it.
I yearned for it and was not sure how to get it.
Is it really so hard?
Looking for that one person to love you back?
Even then, they may say they care...but it becomes different.
They act differently.
They speak to you differently...and not in the way you've daydreamed about.
It makes me think, "What is wrong with me?" 
There has to be some unspoken reason that feelings I felt for someone has never been reciprocated.
Something that every other guy seems to see but me.
I think I'm pretty fine. 
I used to be confident.
Until I stopped and realized this happens over and over.
It continues to repeat itself.
I'm tired of tears.
I don't want to be bitter again.
I'm really hoping next time, I can write something maybe a little happier to my followers.

Coming back...

I know I haven't really sat down and written in a while, except for quick quotes or thoughts in my journals, and the reason quite frankly is because I have no time. Now, I have a pretty reasonable amount of time management, but just no time. 
I really sat down and decided to write today, because I'm having a real issue with my cheer leading coaches and favoritism. Now, as we all know, favoritism is when someone shows a blatant and obvious preference for one person or a group of people and sort of puts them on a pedestal. Which is exactly what they do.
I've been on this team since November, and at first I thought it would go away. I thought I was just being sensitive and needed to man up. I thought that maybe it would go away over time, and the reason I was being a little ignored was because I was new and they needed to get to know me more....This was not the case. Last month, I realized that it was not just me. Almost all of the new girls and a few of the veterans felt the same way but never said anything because they didn't want to seem like they were complaining or looking for attention.
We've tried to express some of these feelings to the older girls (older as in they've done it longer), but they were not concerned. Specifically because they WERE the favorites. And I wasn't mad at them like the rest of the girls, because I don't blame them for not caring. Not at all. Now if anyone else was placed on the position where they were called for everything and got the most attention from the coaches, they would just turn away and be glad that they are set.
 Well, except me. Now, that I know what feeling underestimated and undermined is like, I wouldn't feel right being placed in the spotlight. There's always a position to fill, and if I was a favorite, then that means that one more person would be a subject to be feeling like "B Squad" material.  And I don't want that.
What I want is for my coaches to be fair and give everyone a decent chance at getting a privilege and not base it on how popular or pretty they are. Now, when I look back, I've noticed that the first cuts in cheer leading only left the most good looking people. Like the only reason for those cuts were to get rid of the girls who didn't have that physical advantage.
I can rant on about this, but it's not going to change. It's just how people are and you can't change it. Just to say, I now no longer enjoy to cheer and I cannot wait for the season to be over next month.

The Pain of Being in Love...

I am the kind of girl who just does not fall in love. I never believed in it at my age (16) and I highly doubted it existed. Guys play with girls hearts so many times. I've seen these relationships where they obviously don't feel the same way about the girl, as she does him...it's not love. I'm gonna get to the reason for me writing this.


I have this guy friend. we've known each other for about or over a year, and we are absolutely the best of friends. We tell each other everything, with barely any hold backs, and we help solve each other's problems. He and I are both Sagittarius's and we are a roller coaster of emotions. I've helped him through so much and I was there when he was going out with my best friend. I think, this is where i started feeling something for  him. I hid it well the entire time. When they were mad at each other, I was there to fix it. I would tell them things that the other may have {or may have not} said just to get them to talk to each other. I was a great friend to both of them and their relationship was my first priority, so i ignored those feelings and set them aside. They were okay for a while, but there was always a problem.


My best friend has a bit of a problem with commitment. She messed around with other guys and was trying to juggle them all. It was a game to her. This hurt me to no end because my feelings for him were stronger and I didn't like the way he was being treated because the emotions he had were not reciprocated. But, I kept her secret, because she is like a sister to me. I may not like the game she was playing, but i love her.
Well, somehow he found out about her secret and he broke it off, and stopped talking to her. Her number was deleted and her "unfriended" her on Facebook. Even to this day they're not talking and this happened like a month and a half ago. I helped him heal of her and we became even closer than we were. So close that we even have plans to "marry" hahaha. Anyways, my hopes were getting high, but I knew I couldn't love him because of a past conflict that has made it nearly impossible for me to fall in love.


For a while, I was the only girl he shared himself with. We began finishing sentences for each other and we almost always knew what the other was thinking. We have more coincidences in one conversation than i could have in a year. We're like one heart with two bodies. He would try to help me with my "love" issue and wanted to set me up with his friend or whatnot, but i wasn't interested. Little did he know that he was the only guy I could ever be interested in. 

Everything was going great until he told me that he wanted to go out with this girl that lives in his dorm. Now, I was back on friend mode, and no matter how much that little statement wanted to bring me to my knees with hurt, I still continued to help him. They were having issues because she didn't want to commit. (I don't know why he ends up liking these girls that just aren't good for him). So, he let her go for a while. And somehow, we got unbelievably closer. When he visits, he always has to come over my house and become a permanent fixture in my living room. We even started talking about kissing and cuddling with each other, just because we could. 


I started dreaming about him. All these possibilities and assurances that he felt the same way about me as I him, made me elated. We talk or text all day, everyday and we began talking as if we were actually together. We always talk about plans for the next time he visits, and he is so protective of me and my well-being. 


But I swear the world ended today. We were just now talking about his paper he's doing and he automatically says, "I am positive that we're getting together." My heart pounded. I had the biggest grin on my face as I typed back. I didn't really quite understand so just to be safe I said, " Your positive about what? I don't understand."...I waited for this text message for two minutes. It was the longest and more exciting two minutes of my life. I anticipated something like, me and you or us going out. I did not expect, Me and that girl are getting together........
I literally felt time stop. The air I had inside of me exited with this one big blow. As of right now, I am trying so hard to hold back these tears that are threatening to fall. I'm babysitting some kids, and the last thing i need is to be weak. I can't walk...my legs feel too wobbly. If I try, I may fall with anguish. I may never want t get up. He's my best friend, so I know I need to be strong for him and because life moves on. This can't end my universe, but I felt that he was my sun, and everything moved around him. He kept hold of me with this gravitational pull. 


I don't want to talk to anyone right now. I don't think I can. My heart hurts. When people say that, I always thought that they were overreacting. But I feel the pain. It's an actually physical feeling like you're being stabbed and burned at the same time. I feel like I'm going to be sick. I'll just smile, but now I know, that it was a terrible idea to let myself fall in love.

Cuffing Season

Okay, so all I’m hearing back to back about “cuffing season”. Cuffing season is a period of time when a man chooses to secure a female for “arm candy” or companionship.

I think it’s pretty hilarious, but in some ways people take it super seriously…. It’s a time where you find that someone who stick with for a while, Not just a best friend or a sibling, but that potential “special” person. Maybe a future gf or boo thang or cuddle buddy. No matter how bitter or uninterested girls may look, they are all looking for that boy to “cuff”.

The winter is a long and cold time of year and what better way to spent it than snuggling up to that one you’ve been crushing on for some time now. There’s really nothing to lose and more to gain by just asking that girl on a day out, or just for a drive. Here’s some tips for asking her…

1. Smell nice…i mean not going overboard with the axe, but one spray is enough,

2. Dress appropriately…I don’t understand what it is about sagging, but when you go up to a girl with your pants hanging off your butt, it shows that you don’t respect her.

3. Mannerism is extremely necessary…Depending on how long you have know each other, really effects how you treat her. But, stepping up with a smile, and a compliment will really get those hearts strings pulling :)

Interracial Relationships (Black Girls and White Guys)

Okay, I really wanted to upload a video on this, because I have so many feelings toward this topic, but I am in noooo shape for anyone to see me now and for my laziness, I will instead write it out :)

My first question to myself is, "Why am I constantly seeing white girls and black guys, but not vise versa?" It never bugged me, but when I ask around, people just shrug their shoulders as if they've never thought about it - or otherwise, that they dont care. >insert very aggravated face<

Well, I care. Why are white women so content to date outside of their race, and not black women. Then, I thought about possible reasons. I once asked my friend Kristin why she dated a black guy - not offensively, just out of curiosity. She stared off in space for a while, and said, "I don't know. It's just different I guess. My dad would never actually feel comfortable with someone 'darker'." she looked a bit sheepish, "And he has great muscles."

Then, it hit me! I got a lot of information out of two things that she said in her explanation.
1. She said that her father wouldn't feel comfortable with the idea, and that he would rather have her date someone else. I believe that he had no intent on racism, but it still stings when people say stuff like that. Especially with no logical reason.
Now, I know you may say that it could be just her, how can I make a general statement like this? - The answer to that is that she is not the only one I've asked and I have heard that answer about 5 times already. A lot of white girls date black guys just to rebel their parents! I mean, wow. I'm not saying there isn't an attraction, but the reason is fueled by a disagreement from their parents.

2. She said that he has "great muscles". Hmm, wow. I really don't blame her for that, because there are lot of black men who have exeptional...um...accents.

Well...moving on.

(Megan Goode is not a good example, but
I had to post this picture)

I anways wanted to ask white men why they don't like black women. I'm not saying that there are absolutely no white men who like black women, but it's very hard to find any with that preference. I blame most of it on the black women. The way that the majority of us act. When people think of black women, the automatic response is LOUD, GHETTO, DEMANDING, and BOSSY.
I really can't explain how angry it makes me feel to see women who act so ignorant and boisterous. I just want to go up and ask them why do they continue this behavior? It doesn't make them look intelligent at all. Do they understand that it makes all of us intelectual and respectable black girls have to work even harder not to be known as that loud black girl.
Believe it or not, it is in fact harder for us in important interviews for jobs and ivy league colleges. We have to prove ourselves that we can be an asset to society. It is a very frustrating thing because some people think that they have to treat me a little different than everyone else because I'm black.

(sigh) I'm off topic, but this is me. Personally, I'm like EFF SOCIETY. I don't care about how others think about me, and I would rather do things that are not the norm for the average teen. I love all different kind of guys. White, black, korean, hispanic, emo/punk, goth, sk8r, nerd, and chill. I just don't like the undertoned discrimination that goes on.

Hott emo guy :)

Anyway, I think that's why white guys kind of overloook black girls...because of the stereotypes. Black boys call me a "valley girl" because I am able to hit it off with pretty much anyone, regardless of race. Usually it's supposed to be an insult, but I take it in a different way. To them, it means that I think I'm too good for them (which may be true) but I choose to take the name to a different perspective.

FYI he is the cutest thing I have ever seen -->

This post was not aimed to judge or offend anyone, just to spill out the thoughts that were raping (sorry for the innappropriate use of words) my mind :)  Please leave comments because I want to know eveyones perspective on this post.

Cleaning My Room

Oh, where to start, where to start....

I have to say when my room is bad, it's pretty darn bad. You see, I'm not a dirty person, not at all. At school I'm very organized and you would never think that my room would be anything but. As soon as I walk in, I feel a wave of, I really need to clean this room, but I always find something else more interesting to claim my attention. I never get around  to it until my mother pulls out the empty threats. Like, I'll take away you cell phone or you can't go to the movies this weekend...but, both of us know that she will do no such thing. She can rant and rave, but I just clean my room anyways to humor her and to keep her blood pressure low.
When I do get around to starting, I have no idea how to start. So, I pull out a sheet of paper, and write down a bunch of things I know I need to do.
1. Put dirty clothes in hamper
2. Put clean clothes in closet
3. Make up Bed... and so on etc.
I usually have around 10 things on my list and by the time everything is done its about 45 minutes after I began. Well, when all things on my list are checked off I believe I'm in the clear, until I look up and realize that I am nowhere close to being done. I get overwhelmed with stress as I take deep breathes trying not to hyperventilate over the cloud that was placed over my head, pushing out the relief I felt before.
And then, I get to work again. (sigh) Speaking of which, I think I should start this awful task now.

(sigh) Bella Swan is incredibly stupid. period.

I have recently reread Twilighth for my 127th time. The first few times I readit, I fell in love eith the characters instantly, but after you read a book more than 10 times, you start to notice little things that just tcks you off. It's not like i'm one of those obsessive people who makes this come up in every single one of their conversation, i just love the mood swings it takes me through. The way it was written was incredible, and I feel that Stephanie Meyer has to be one of my favorite people because of it. But, just because I liked the style doesn't mean that I like the story.

It begins with a very boring girl who is moving from sun to clouds and isn't likey. There is nothing interesting about her and she is horribly clumsy, like, unable to walk across a flat surface clumsy. The first thing I wondered is how in the world did she survive 17  years of her life. It is obvious she is a hazard to herself, and everyone else around her. But, i give so much credit to her mother because she is truly a miracle child.

Another thing about Bella Swan is that even though throughout the whole book she is sayin how independent and strong she is, she practicaly melts when this creepy, scary guys lurks up on her all the time. One minute he tries to have a great conversation, and the next he wants to eat her!!! What kind of mess is that? I believe from the very moment she figured out he was a vampire and red light should have definitely went off. I know every woman has dreamed of the beautifula vampire sneaking into her room at night and feasting upon her neck, but in this novel, drinking blood wasn't what it's all cracked up to be. It was a sure way to die.
To tell the truth, he was easy to fall for and his intelligents and old spirit matched up with hers completely. The pair had a strong bond and any sane person would say that they belonged together, but I think it would have been safer to be life long friends. She had to have realized that most of her attraction was due to him saving her life and his "vampire charm".

Something else that caught my attention in the novel was that she caused a lot of hell. So many things were at stake because of her. it seemed that the book had nothing to do with anything else except from someone -everyone- risking their life for her. Behind Alice, Rosalie had to be my favorite because she was real with what she said and realistic with the dangers Bella and Edward had caused.

But in the end, if there was anyway I could have took her position, I would have most definitely ended up with Jacob. If I ever planned to have some kind of future with children and grandchildren...with real jobs...with friends other than the Cullens...with some kind of access to the real world. Jacob would never ever have left Bella even if circumstances weren't safe, he would try his best. Yes, he was still a bit of a child at heart, but he was quickly maturing throughout the books. She would have never had to upset her father, and leave her family.

I guess, truth is me and Bellal Swan are totally different people. She liked isolation and loneliness. I just want to live life to the absolute fullest.