Don't Hurt Me

I've spent so many years watching couples.
Observing as they passed me by holding hands or wrapping their arms around each other. 
Bumping noses and playfully knocking elbows into the other's arm.
Places like the amusement park, or the bowling alley, or the park.
I stare shamefully and bitterly with jealousy.
Why can't I have that?
I've been though things in my life that would prevent me from feeling this way...
But now, it's all changed.
My perspective is way different.
I realize that I've been scared of it, a little because I craved it.
I yearned for it and was not sure how to get it.
Is it really so hard?
Looking for that one person to love you back?
Even then, they may say they care...but it becomes different.
They act differently.
They speak to you differently...and not in the way you've daydreamed about.
It makes me think, "What is wrong with me?" 
There has to be some unspoken reason that feelings I felt for someone has never been reciprocated.
Something that every other guy seems to see but me.
I think I'm pretty fine. 
I used to be confident.
Until I stopped and realized this happens over and over.
It continues to repeat itself.
I'm tired of tears.
I don't want to be bitter again.
I'm really hoping next time, I can write something maybe a little happier to my followers.

Coming back...

I know I haven't really sat down and written in a while, except for quick quotes or thoughts in my journals, and the reason quite frankly is because I have no time. Now, I have a pretty reasonable amount of time management, but just no time. 
I really sat down and decided to write today, because I'm having a real issue with my cheer leading coaches and favoritism. Now, as we all know, favoritism is when someone shows a blatant and obvious preference for one person or a group of people and sort of puts them on a pedestal. Which is exactly what they do.
I've been on this team since November, and at first I thought it would go away. I thought I was just being sensitive and needed to man up. I thought that maybe it would go away over time, and the reason I was being a little ignored was because I was new and they needed to get to know me more....This was not the case. Last month, I realized that it was not just me. Almost all of the new girls and a few of the veterans felt the same way but never said anything because they didn't want to seem like they were complaining or looking for attention.
We've tried to express some of these feelings to the older girls (older as in they've done it longer), but they were not concerned. Specifically because they WERE the favorites. And I wasn't mad at them like the rest of the girls, because I don't blame them for not caring. Not at all. Now if anyone else was placed on the position where they were called for everything and got the most attention from the coaches, they would just turn away and be glad that they are set.
 Well, except me. Now, that I know what feeling underestimated and undermined is like, I wouldn't feel right being placed in the spotlight. There's always a position to fill, and if I was a favorite, then that means that one more person would be a subject to be feeling like "B Squad" material.  And I don't want that.
What I want is for my coaches to be fair and give everyone a decent chance at getting a privilege and not base it on how popular or pretty they are. Now, when I look back, I've noticed that the first cuts in cheer leading only left the most good looking people. Like the only reason for those cuts were to get rid of the girls who didn't have that physical advantage.
I can rant on about this, but it's not going to change. It's just how people are and you can't change it. Just to say, I now no longer enjoy to cheer and I cannot wait for the season to be over next month.